How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?