You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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I missed you with all my darts
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?