You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?


using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.


Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash


I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision


therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO


How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.


What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.


Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since


LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol