You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”