Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it