You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.


Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct


Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.


GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again


Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.


M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.


Dogs have unique nose prints. You think I’m playfully booping a snoot, but I’m actually collecting data for my real mission: framing dogs for crimes


Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”


Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection


If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks