You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You Might Also Like
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.