Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!?
Me: I need a new room.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear
Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
Commas. Use them.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.