@LoveNLunchmeat

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

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@JustDontBugMe

Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!?
*5mins later*
Me: I need a new room.

@Spaziotwat

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

@LaziestCanine

[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@faisaladam_

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

@JuliaChildCIA

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.