You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Yoga Matt
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search