You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

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Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!?
*5mins later*
Me: I need a new room.


Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”


[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear


Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.


“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.