YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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A group of toddlers is called a migraine
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Just as the prophecy foretold
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My current situation
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes