You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good