You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…