‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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How it started: How it’s going:
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
ok like just. call me at this point
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.