Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Worlds greatest photobomb
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.