You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
anyone else like Italian cereal
this has to be peak English
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Would you wear it?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.