YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
You Might Also Like
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.