YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Tuesday
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it