I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”
When do I get to go to heaven?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever
I CAN’T FIND MY BOOK AND I LEFT IT ON THE NIGHSTAND AND A GHOST MOVED IT AND MY HOUSE IS HAUN – oh never mind there it is
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”