@LMHPhotog

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

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@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”

When do I get to go to heaven?

@adamgreattweet

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@noodlegrip

My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

@RSun82

I CAN’T FIND MY BOOK AND I LEFT IT ON THE NIGHSTAND AND A GHOST MOVED IT AND MY HOUSE IS HAUN – oh never mind there it is

@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@DaddyJew

It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”