You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.