You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Fries, not lies.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Unexpected Judgment
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Good point.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!