Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I am having an out of money experience.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.