@UnFitz

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

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@Darlainky

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@ronnui_

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

@bobvulfov

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

@alispagnola

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@TheBoydP

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

@sarabellab123

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.