“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.