You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

You Might Also Like


You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.


I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.


Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders


I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.


My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.


If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”


To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.


4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit


Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?