You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.
– repeat offenders
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?