You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Good morning y’all ☀️
This is Sparta
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go