You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
You Might Also Like
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA