@notalogin
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
@RichHarris2
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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@notalogin
@FloodyHippie
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
@heyevergreen
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
@garrydavenport
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth ยฃ15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
@TheTweetOfGod
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
@halloweenbears
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
@VikingBut
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
@Asbo_Unicorn
When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.
@bocxtop
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
@omerwahaj
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.