@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

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@FredTaming

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

@EJGomez

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

@space0tter

*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
LITTERING

@nettie0918

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

@mattwhitlockPM

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@TheBananaFacts

Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.

@TheMichaelRock

[first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry

@KevinFarzad

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will