You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I hate my earbuds.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician