You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

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[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling


LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol


HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.


*Cop yells at dog*
*dog continues to give birth*
*looks directly at camera*


That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.


Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.


Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.


[first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry


Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will