“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.


I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.


PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you


Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.


The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again


I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.


*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!


Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”