Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.