You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
🙄😏😂🤣
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.