You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

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me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”


Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?


Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.


My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.


Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins


Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”


me: so what do you do

date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant

me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them


Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears