@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

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@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

@primawesome

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

@NikiWithIssues

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

@notmythirdrodeo

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@Rachelnoise

Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”

@NOTVIKING

me: so what do you do

date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant

me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them

@SorryDontClaire

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears