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i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man


Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.


Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy



I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*licks elevator button*


I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display


I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.