@pittdave13

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

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@gato_fumando

i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man

@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

@choo_ek

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

@UnFitz

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

@PostCultRev

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.