You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

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I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.


iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.


I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.


Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*


I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this