You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me