You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.