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i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time