You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
this is what they would have looked like, though
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
the simulation is moving too fast
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it