You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…