You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

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I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken


wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”


Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried


*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.


Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!


Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?