@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

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@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@momjeansplease

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

@VodkaTiem

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

@thenatewolf

*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.

@2sassymom

Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!

@McClaneJohn2

Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?