You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The internet is full of many things
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I hope this email finds you in a well
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.