ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.
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The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.