“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.