@SlayerSays

You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.

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@dave_cactus

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

@BondJohnBond

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

@psybermonkey

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

@reallyshitpost

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

@seegreenfairys

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

@selenamua_

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

@Breadery

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

@IchBin_Rob

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.