I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.