I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.