You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God


I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.


My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!


“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants


My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.


Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow


Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.


3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.