You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.


CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.



ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*


“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”


Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”


I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one


God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?


“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother