@crazytraci72

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

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@SciencePorn

The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.

@GrantTanaka

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

@abbycohenwl

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

@RodLacroix

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

@Cpin42

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@joeyfullystated

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

@actioncookbook

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

@TheAlexNevil

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name