@crazytraci72

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

@2tickytacky

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@ronnypascale

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

@pilau

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

@noog

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother