Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!
I am woman, hear me ignore.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.