You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

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The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.


[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it


When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped


My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.


“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff


One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways


6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name