You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.