[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.