You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
S M O L
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b