You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

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I don’t think I’ve identified with a generational meme so much in my whole life.


Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”


Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.


The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.


Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores


If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich


People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.


ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled


Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.