You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.