you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up