You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no