@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

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@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@Thee1_4U

My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

@pixelatedboat

Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?

@CopBroughtPizza

todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*

me: relax it was just a little earthquake

todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had