“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!