If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?
todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*
me: relax it was just a little earthquake
todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had