You can’t rush stupid.
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(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joeâs when youâre starving to death.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
Iâm so sorry
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word âinstantâ and replaec it with âsuddenâ
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and donât remember what we bought the kids. Iâm so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Iâve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parentsâ fridge without checking the expiration date
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life đđ
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Look, donât call it a salad âbarâ if youâre going to tell me I canât do ranch dressing shots.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Some of you are like family to me. I donât want you calling me either.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying âif you donât stop heâs gonna take you awayâ like wtf no im not