You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
*has no idea what a book even is*
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*