DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
live long and prosper!
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.