You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.