You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
rebranding
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant