Probably my best painting.
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.