You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us

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[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.


Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.


Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.


Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks


*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?


Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.


“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.


Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.