@DillDoes

You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us

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@realHamOnWry

My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.

@ibid78

[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on

@HatfieldAnne

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

@curlycomedy

You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”

@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@dmc1138

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

@TheAlexNevil

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.