[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”
I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.